Blue Lights

Nothing, No

lastyear — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 04:32:55 +0000

Another relationship that didn’t end.

Don’t

lastyear — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 03:36:36 +0000

Don’t laugh to much, don’t cry to much, get inside, forget getting high. I remember that time I couldn’t think straight and we set off. Flat tire and go again. Back and forth, I got grey skies on my back and bright blue in my eyes, with wheat and wind to the left and smooth roads under me. Get up get going lose the feeling. Am I safe? Will I be safe? Where did my guards go, where’s my shields, what is it about you that pulls things outta me? Its probably because the best times have been with people that I know I have a way out with. I hate putting a fucking period at the end of my sentences cause endings more often than not suck. I don’t want something completely satisfying, I want a little mystery.

Prowl

lastyear — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 20:14:52 +0000

I hate being on the constant prowl. It makes me nauseous. But wait, if you said anything I could drop everything but I won’t think too hard, I won’t even really try or hope or look. Not my problem or in my hands. I’m at the forks and this place hasn’t got enough memories for me. Here’s to making more, breaking doors, and stepping on. It’s lust and attraction on the surface, but underneath it’s me being told by outside sources that it’s something I need to be happy and successful. I’m telling you right now that that’s going to die. Killing feelings with thoughts. Stealing freedom, grabbing change, finding time. The rational police are out patrolling this afternoon.

I Am Sorry

lastyear — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 20:03:04 +0000

I’m going to admit I am sorry. I’m sorry for leading you on these past few days but that couldn’t be helped. I had to pretend I was still half interested because we couldn’t see each other face to face. I’m not sure if I miss you yet. As a human being, a friend, nothing more.

This Time

lastyear — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 20:08:23 +0000

This time I know I’m not dying. This time I’m not too worried. It went away almost as soon as I stepped in the room. Stop yelling and scaring people. Just wait, this ain’t no comedy show. These aren’t props just a ridiculous display of affection. She was waiting in the deep blue seats. She turned around to face a red faced, puma wearing, middle aged, short haired, soccer mom who totally drives a grey mother fucking minivan. And she says the rash on her hand, currently spreading down her forearm, was caused by a mosquito. They both looked at me. The lady that had to turn in her chair to see me didn’t say anything but the other one looked at my head of hair and said is that real? But like a question she knew the answer to. She was jealous. Always waiting, never hating the places or scenes just taking it all in. I remember you cause all you wanted was booty but at least you were honest. I think I caught your disease. I thought I was free, apparently not. Step to the thought I got, cause there’s nothing wrong with cold feet or dabbling doubt.

Its all routine, trust me. I never felt great, just good. Something is slipping, whoa here we go. I’m in the corner and you tell me you’ve caught the blues. I wanna pick you up this time. I wanna swoop in and look like a hero.

Hey Hey Hey

lastyear — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 20:03:54 +0000

Lately when I’m trying to fall asleep I see people. People I don’t know or barely know. It isn’t scary, just a nuisance really. So this is what it feels like to live in a city. To feel apart of the street. To be just another pair of legs. Swimming through sirens. Joking and choking on the run. You gotta get paid, get laid, and get some perspective love. At the very least thats what you think you need to get through this so I think you need this too.

I’m not putting anything on the line, just being honest. Sometimes it’s more difficult admitting it to myself then anyone else. Really that just sounds silly. But most things can’t be helped, at least these days I’m just going with the natural flow of things. Just trying to be safe really. Maybe you aren’t seeing straight but my eyes never fail. Jesus is in the building and we’re both sexually attracted to him. Nothing wrong with things you can’t help, or maybe that’s just an excuse for people making excuses. I’ll stop making them now.

Spilled Tea

lastyear — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 15:45:56 +0000

Bury your head in music, elbow your mug of tea, kill someone’s time, you don’t want the same thing. I’m glad you came forward and I’m glad you were being honest. Just a little more credit would be nice. But why do I want the credit? Why do I feel like I need that affirmation from someone I don’t care about. I will feel good about what I’ve done, and not worry about what you do. We live close but that’s the only thing close about us. Our relationship goes nowhere from there fast. No more guilt. Get rid of it and so I can run because its really only a couple more months until I’m free.

Somehow I can’t stop smiling when you’re close by. When you touch my hand. And I don’t worry or over think what we’ve got one bit. That scares me because I always over think things through. Its nice to know I can think about this all critically. I hope you don’t go into a tail spin, because I want you to survive. I want you to thrive. I think you are pretty amazing but I just don’t know. I went to the bathroom and was overcome by such intense feelings. At the time I thought I was just real sad but the thing is I don’t know. I feel stupid, I feel scared, I feel confused, I feel excited, I feel nervous. I’m a wreck in all senses of the word. I want to stuff my face with food that I don’t have in front of me. I want to bike until my legs fall off. I want to call someone but I don’t know who to call. I feel that its very difficult being myself around someone I know intimately and my friends. I feel lost and weird. I feel like I’m trying to impress them if I act normally, but if I act differently my friends point it out and I feel even odder.

The Bridge

lastyear — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 17:20:18 +0000

Can’t wait for tonight. Can’t wait to see your face. We were walking and walking down this real long bridge. There were abandoned train tracks in the middle and long wooden slats beside them which we walked on. You had to hop a bit in between each slat. You didn’t have to, but I felt you did. So me and you are hopping over each space of air onto wood and more wood. Then two other people on the other side of the tracks start heckling us. We heckle back. We heckle hard. One of them starts running and does a front flip over the tracks and rolls into a ball. We separate, I jump forward and you jump back so she rolls between us. She comes out of the ball in another flip and flips over the railing and straight into the water. Panic sets in and the three of us look down into the deep dark water. All we can see is a bit of pink from her shirt. It kills me to think she may be drowning. People started pouring onto the bridge and I stared at a boy in a blue shirt and pointed at him. I yelled call nine one one! NOW! He did and gave me his phone and I said we were on the osborne bridge on the east side. They better come fast, they better run far. I don’t want to see someone die.

Goalsetting

lastyear — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 20:59:45 +0000

reduce dairy intake
reduce caffeine intake
increase water intake

When I’m older I’ll increase the caffeine intake because I know I can. You’d be stupid to say no. I’d be stupid to not even try. Its good right now, but why am I always briefing other people on you. Constantly saying that it isn’t a problem. But if I always mention something has got to be off kilter. Something is more surreal then I want it to be.

Fake It

lastyear — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 20:42:33 +0000

I’ve never been completely naked in front of anyone. I’ve been clothed by the dark, clothed by young age, but never like this. The lights were on and you were memorizing my body. You touched me, not in a sexual way. Where was I supposed to put my arms? My hands? There were no pockets to fidget inside. It looked stupid to cross my arms. Just fake confidence until you get it I said. I’m confident now because I faked it at first. I’m not clinging, not this time. I know how that one ends and this time I don’t want it to end like that. I can’t even see an end to this thing we’ve got and that makes me scared and excited. The biggest grin I’ve ever seen on your face was yesterday. I can’t burn it outta my memory. I love how when you look at me I felt like a porn star, not in a whorish way, but that I was making you look and feel that way. I want to force you to look like that all the time but I’ll drag this out until you can’t go any further. It’ll be hard for me but harder for you, I can feel it. I’m going to make you scream, make you wish you had what you wanted but not yet. Just a little longer. The wait is the best part, the buildup to something amazing. You’ll remember that part not when I break you down and let you all out. No more leaking and here I go.