Not So Alone

I made a joke, you laughed and looked for that book. I went on with life and you found your book. You laughed again and repeated the joke, I felt stupid.

I don’t want you to smile, I don’t want you to look sad. You don’t need to put on a show to be yourself. I want it raw and rough but tender all the same. Your fingers can be tender but only if the light hits them just right. We’re both on the same team I know it, you accepted my application years before I even applied.

I can walk in the middle of a crowd and know that if I need help someone will help. I can walk in the middle of a crowd and know that if I don’t want to be noticed I won’t be. I can walk in the middle of a crowd and feel whole. I can walk in the middle of a crowd and respect the others. I can walk in the middle of a crowd and make friends. I can walk in the middle of a crowd and want to run. I can walk in the middle of a crowd and see people I’ll never see again. I can walk in the middle of a crowd and feel totally at home. I can walk in the middle of a crowd and feel alone. I’m not the only one. When 2 or more people feel alone but are together are they still alone? Being alone is a made up concept that only a selfish person could have made up.

When I think nobody else hears me. When I think I am the only one giving. When I think I am the only one to blame. When I think other people are doing the same thing. When I think I can either empower myself or tear myself down. When I think I feel. When I think I sometimes don’t like what I hear. When I think it all goes down from there. When I think I usually analyze objects. When I think I am not quiet. The only time I am quiet is when I’m not thinking. When I’m sleeping I’m dreaming and thinking. Nobody is ever truly quiet so don’t ask me why I’m quiet because I’m not, I have the biggest mouth (I mean mind) than anybody else in this room.

I heard my voice today. I heard it a lot. But not as much as the other people because on another level I knew I didn’t want to hear my voice. I knew I didn’t have to listen to it I knew I could walk away but my voice is my voice and I might as well get accustomed to it, right? “I swear I don’t sound like that in real life” she said. Hah, fuck you do I thought really loudly. I thought so loud I bet somebody else heard me. I kept looking at people when they were talking because usually thats what you do but nobody else did it because they knew how I felt about my voice. My voice. My voice. My voice. My voice. My voice sounds like this, this is my voice and I can’t like it or not like it because its My voice. Mine.

I always let myself win, and you always get mad at the simple things, I feel bad that you feel so strongly against the little things, because the little things make me happy. I’ll just blur that shit out.