I Was Born too Late

The computers own me and so do your vegetables. My whale went perfectly, thankyou very much. I’ll pretend I never used that helpful thing and get on with life. I’ve had it up to hear with your shenanigans, so lets kiss and then we can say we made up! No more dreaming in this coming week.

I could tell by how your feet sounded against the tiled floor that you were depressed and stuck in a rut. A rut that kept going and going. Work, smoke break, work, smoke break, work, smoke break. I’m not totally sure about the work thing, it was more like ‘work’. You work in the corner of the large supermarket, nestled between the advil and tampons. I don’t think anybody notices you, or the way you walk but I do and I hope that makes you a little bit happy.

Check Mate Squabbles

I wish I had a dream job. Of course I do dream, I just can’t bring myself to dream about jobs..maybe I should though. I’m tired of you backdooring me but I can’t do anything back because thats not who I am. Karma will come and bite your ass twice, not just once, twice. It seems like whenever I have my heart set on something and don’t get it or aren’t able to do it I end up doing something just as good anyways. Maybe if I never worried about things or got my heart set on things good things wouldn’t happen. Don’t feel sick or sorry, please, do it for me. You told me “The Good and Bad is always relative. Goodluck” and then I asked if I could smell your rose and you thrust it into my nose, so I pretended to smell when really all I could do was congest the snot. This is what I am in this stupid arm wrested chair, with nature a knocking, happy. Its creepy how some people can ask a couple questions and yet pin down your personality and what you are like. I believe I am an INFP somedays and a PFNI other days, thankyou very much. Am I missing out on life’s noises by listening to music? What have I missed out on, and what will I miss out on?

This is where I lie. This is where I tell you my body is perfect, my hair never looks combed but looks neat, my clothes match but doesn’t look like I put too much time in them, my breath smells sweet but not tangy, I smell like old spice but not like axe. But when you get to know me you’ll know I lied and when I get to know you I’ll know that you lied the first time we met too. Its okay, because when we lie we feel like we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing, its what society does so why can’t we do it? But now I don’t have to lie anymore because we both know we would be able to see through it. That kind of scares me but I can practice later in the mirror, when you’re not looking. I know what your muse is, does that scare you at all?

He’s got a carrot in there and he needs a toothpick.  And I like the way you pop up everywhere, I don’t know how to respond sometimes, maybe if my ears worked properly I could respond. It looks messy but it sounds like funk and thats what matters right now. And we need more bridges, many many more because I want to see you, and touch you. Dreams can do that I suppose.

Shortcuts

I’m quite sure I know all the short cuts. I’ve got my doubts. Theres a point, its always a point, when mental illness isn’t an illness anymore. Theres a point when I want to slap your right cheek and make it beet red and then plead insanity in court. It isn’t supposed to be hard but when I see that funny look in your eyes and the way you try to dress like a normal being I get scared and that heavy feeling in my chest returns to whatever the fuck I know and try not to know again. Those couple of words make me feel good and then they get spun around like usual, hey whats new fat cherub? I don’t know where that came from (I should have guessed when you leafed through my magazine), but I walked you down the hall (the sunny one, and the one where my locker is). We walked down the sunny one and I asked you about vibes (I thought I was living up to my childhood friend and thought he’d be proud of me if he was there, but he’s long gone), you said you got them sometimes, and then we were in my hallway. You said that vegetarians usually flocked together and then made a sweeping motion like you were flocking to somebody on the right side of the hallway. I laughed just then, and imitated you because aparently thats just what I do. Take other peoples silly actions and make them sillier, but not to hurt your feelings at all. I stood there with my shifty eyes and I know that when I get home I’ll classify you, you’re one of those people that has the body language of a shy fifth grader but have the personality of a giant (just because they are huge and usually friendly). I told you what I was making for supper and you told me your life story. I hurried the conversation as we walked down the stairs and you said you were going out for coffee, I thought that was nice and asked about your friend. You said his name was A.A. I thought that was a funny name and laughed in my head, but asked you where he lived. In the meadows you say with your checked over coat and off white sunglasses nestled in your draped scarf. We walked, you were stiff, I started opening up my truck door, and I said something that I felt embarrased about immediatley afterwards. I don’t like ending conversations but I had no reason not to so I was stuck with the dirty stuff so you could walk into the meadows to meet your friend. Maybe your more then friends, or maybe you were in another life, I wish I could pinpoint why I want to know but I just do. My nose gets itchy when I don’t know.

I didn’t think I had it anymore but when you put my fingers to a keyboard I can’t not have it. I think I like the brown one better and I’m getting my doubts again. What if its actually at this time? What if we come late and they are out of the rectangular papers. I’ll add them on yourspace.com. I’ve heard too many good thngs about you, bitch slap.

I never meant to break

I know what you are and I’ll tell you someday because I know that you know you don’t know. I really do have a lot to say to you. I’m almost all caught up now.

In a Car

I drove you there, I sat there like Zac and could see the resemblances of your voice in hers.  I’d never seen her before but I swear she was your twin. I get off on having secrets but you lay it all on the table, maybe thats how we’re so different and can never be the same at all. I sat and changed my leg positions countless times, this way and that. The music was mellow and everybody was awkward. She thought the drunk kids were immature, he thought it was funny but didn’t laugh, she was embarrased because she didn’t know anyone, and he thought he was stupid and not comfortable with his sexuality, she just was there because she had to be, she was the hostess, he just wanted to get some, she just wanted to get some, and I sat there like nothing. That’s how it always goes. Life won’t change its rythms and I can handle that. I chewed into that chocolate egg and released its oozing goodness, and then I chewed another, and another, and another, and another untill they were all gone, thats the point where I felt fat. Oh god, there they go again and he schemes up a plan to break up those noises, those noises! He presses the red eye reducter and I know there are some good picture on there of me and bad pictures of you so I hope somebody puts them up on facebook for the whole world to see, I wish. They are all stupid and ignorant but I can’t do anything about it. Maybe I should move to the futon (thats where I go). I haven’t cried yet because nobody deserves my tears. How am I any better than this, its the music I listen too, and the jokes I make. Maybe I’m just as bad. I should be in a dump somwhere scrounging up some food and clothing. This couldn’t be more wrong. It took forever to get to sleep and stop muttering my half of the argument. I deny everything, this isn’t my family.

Golden Drops
Grizzly Bear – Little Brother – 6:24
MGMT – Kids – 5:27
Royksopp – What Else is There – 5:07
Vampire Weekend – Bryn – 2:11
What Made Milwaukee Famous – Sultan – 2:46
Fedo Viola – The Sad Song – 3:58

Embarras Me Meter

I put on my green hoody because it smelled nice. I jumped in my truck with my crisp clothing items and turn the radio up loud. I like to hear people talking, makes me feel good. They said it was St. Patricks day and I swore. I didn’t want to lay on the cheese today but the cheese greased me up so good. I thought my favourite store was open on tuesdays, and I was going to buy myself a painting. I walked in like I owned the place and made eye contact with the big man with grooves in his head. He said they were closed. I kept walking and then stopped and asked “are you kidding me?” he said “yes, I can always keep a straight face” or something like that. I could tell he wasn’t kidding and felt stupid for being stupid. I walked out and all the old people watched me go. I felt stupider. The drive home was supposed to be care free and without any bad emoticions. The police car was nesteld between the place I used to babysit and the place that kills animals. I was wondering why everybody was slamming on the breaks. Maybe because they were embarrased too and maybe the police had an embarrasement meter and I was over the legal limit. I could’ve cried, if I was into that.
Whatever.

It was about time I got some action but I wanted to give some of it out too. Its creepy the way you tried to get me and asked me. If you have to ask its not natural, trust me on this one.

Blood

The smell of the meals at the old folks home smells like blood. I sit beside you knowing full well that your dentures used to make clicking noises whenever you moved your jaw, I thought your jaw would break off. Donald gets wheeled to the table and he doesn’t take his eyes off of me. “I’ve been taking the same damn pills for 4 years straight!” Maybe he’ll go to his room and break things like he usually does. The huge dog walks down the hallway, must be done his rounds, I want to bring my dog here someday.

I was sleeping as usual. I woke up to hear that muffled tinny sorry excuse for a cell phone ring song. The only reason I knew it was Furtado song was because everytime I was with you you’d sing it as loud and clearly as possible. You’d left yourself 300 texts and phone calls in total, you must be angry that I didn’t return the phone to you sooner. Its just a phone, right?

We were sitting in that classroom, no teacher at all. We were being good kids I think, but then somebody suggested we run. Run from what I’m still not sure but I pretended I knew like everybody else did. My teeth were bothering me again, the elastics were attached to the top two teeth and the bottom ones making a funny looking triangle. It hurt so bad and they kept getting tighter and tighter as we raced around the corners and down the stairs and up the stairs. I tried rearanging them but that was difficult too. We ran to the theater and the doorman shushed us and said we could only get in when Cory started singing. None of us knew Cory so we assumed that when a male teenagers wobbly voice started singing we would enter through the wispy curtains and take a seat that we didn’t pay for. We entered at the wrong time and everybody looked at us with creased foreheads.

Make a living (dream team)

Its fascinating how other people can make a living by making someone popular (http://www.squareoak.com/).

Hah, we’re connected somehow! I said “If you can’t fuck em joing em.” But its nice hearing you say no more talking, no more heart beating, and no more dreams.

Reading, cooking, west wing, loud music, meditation, exercising, writing, painting make me happy right now.
Chewy habits, impatient people, fear, fetishes make me mad right now.
Vulnerability, simplicity, sunshine, the point of no return, area connection make me lethargic right now.

Last night was difficult to comprehend. I was sitting on a normal toilet in a very un-normal house. It curved this way and that but was pencil straight in others. My mind zoomed in on the bathroom and there were no walls on one side, it was like a doll house, charming yet breezy. You are mine, garlic. I was sitting there, elbows on my hard knees, hands cupping the underside of my chin and my fingers sliding up to the corners of my eyes (the part we used to pull back to look chinese). You came up to me, I didn’t mind I was only doing the number two and we’re friends, friends pop in sometimes. You have no control over what your bowels do. You farted on right by my stooped over face, I sat there with my fingers sliding up to my not so chinese cornered eyes. I finished, I can’t remember who did the wiping or if the wiping even got accomplished but we ran down the crooked stairs. Once I fell on your back and you kept going while I clung. We burst through the door and you let me fall, it was supposed to happen. We ran through the green green grass and weed seeds flew this way and that making me think that we were in a movie. I had a flashback to grade school when some friends tried to fix their problems in a park. It was a disturbing memory for some reason, back then thats just how things were done, they were fixed, while today things are supposed to be accepted.

http://jonnherschend.com/, http://cynthiaonainnis.com/index.html

Life on a Ball

The cauliflour surprise was good, I don’t know about the surprise.  Maybe if I’d made it I’d've liked it more.  Maybe next time they’ll make me open my eyes and the afro beat keeps kicking.  Today I wrote and typed for 4 hours and I’m pretty sure I hate the end result.  And maybe thats why I’m spurting out angry remarks or maybe its just the pops in all of us.  WIP!

Trainspotting (1996)

Director: Danny Boyle
Actors: Ewan McGregor, Ewen Bremner, Jonny Lee Miller, Kevin McKidd, Robert Carlyle, Kelly Macdonald, Peter Mullan, James Cosmo, Eileen Nicholas, Susan Vidler, Pauline Lynch, Shirley Henderson, Stuart McQuarrie, Irvine Welsh, Dale Winton
Screenplay: http://www.godamongdirectors.com/scripts/trainspotting.shtml

I’ll pretend I’ve done drugs and say this film is the real deal. All joking aside, I believed every bit of this movie and that says something. This film shined where others flopped.

I usually hate narration, but not this time. I love the beginning and ending list Renton shoots off and how I sat in the comfy chair thinking about those simple yet resounding words. The one scene that is burned into my mind is the one where the camera switches between a slowmotion Renton in his flat and on a soccer feild, falling. I never knew something so simple could be so ethereal and poetic.

The one scene I hated was the one showing where he was moving. It seemed like an amateur move and something I’d see in a tv sitcom between set movements.

This movie made me laugh (toilet dive), and feel horrid inside (withdrawal, baby). It was a rollecoaster I might want to get on a couple more times in the future.