Monthly Archive

I can’t remember totally what I wrote last night but I can remember it was good and then word press was angry with my ass and decided it wouldn’t post anything. This is what I can muster up from the depths of a part of my brain that I can’t even pronounce. Maybe this is fates way of saying what I will do shouldn’t be done but who needs fate anyways?

The blood smelt of hospital meat and hospice feet. There’s something about the undiscovered and the intrigue. Those drunks and pinstriped overalls make me cry at night. I want to give up but I only want to take one step backwards, is that even possible? Its been knocking me all the wrong ways.

Ode to the people beside me:
-I want to smack you up main street and back with your inappropriate words, but you will go on to do great things.
-You should remember me more often even when I remember you, you almost got me that morsel of food.
-You didn’t intimidate me today, maybe it was because we were lovers hypothetically speaking.
-I thought you looked different today, I stared at you at class when you were unawares and I wondered if I felt differently about you. Damn stirrings.
-I can’t believe you ever did anything with her, you don’t seem alike and you seem like its old news when really its not.
-Stop talking like that please, I like it when you refer to yourself as I and Me and Pee.
-I’m scared that being a failure will make you act like I’m a failure.
-Its like you have a totally different mind than I do and yet you know me, you really do.

He lay on his makeshift bed and envisioned naked women, tried to rather. Fantasies don’t always come true. She threw a pillow at him and he was jerked back into the real world, where the real people can see naked girls in their minds. Maybe this wasn’t his night, maybe he wouldn’t get any sleep, maybe he’d end up in a cold sweat not knowing what to do. He stumbles to the bathroom and turns the tap to ‘frigid’. He sprays water on his face and looks at his brown eyes in the mirror. Cold showers help you burn calories and a cold shower is a right of passage. He pulls of his zoo shirt and slips off his flannel pants and starry boxers. He looks back in the mirror and tries to envision a naked woman beside his flaccid penis. He turns the shower to C and forces himself not to shiver and weeps like a baby. Maybe this was the right of passage he’d been searching for, maybe this was how he’d get through the day. He choked back the tears until he stopped producing them and turned the shower off and stepping back onto the cold tile floor of the bland bathroom. He pulls up the starry boxers and flannel pants over his shrunken penis. He pulls on his zoo shirt and slips back into bed. He likes to think that in the morning the sheets will be dry and there won’t be anything on his skin. He stares at the ceiling.

I forgot to tell you this but I miss God.  I miss being able to rely on somebody, I miss being able to pour not hold anything back.  I feel creepy for doing this, but I find pleasure in reading about other people’s lives.  People can truly be interesting and right now these college students are riveting.  Their imperfect writing is like poetry for my starving brain.  Keke.  Without being able to download music I would not have discovered some of the undiscovered bands I have grown to love.  So take that jesus superstar!

A nice photoshoot went down.  I had fun speaking without words.  Oh Andy!  “She’s too good for us.”  “Dug dem deep, did I!”

I don’t know why I ever worry, everything turns out in the end better than I for, but I like that.  I do believe I am a good person, at least I mean well.  I don’t want to be famous I just want to be friends with you when you’re at the top of the cultural food chain.  Good fast I tell ya.  Theres more where that came from?  I was happy that I remembered and I can only hope that you felt a little remorse in return.

Charles is 16.  16 more years to go, he wrote in his notebook.  I hate the way you sit, I hate the way you tick.  I like the way your hair blows on the way home, I like that shirt (and the way it outlines your breasts) you’ve sewn.  You’ll go off to some ivy league college and get married and end you sad story but I’ll be happy for you despite the fact that you don’t know me (that well).  Charles puts his ear buds back in and draws two small tits (they look like two eyeballs) over the page expertly.  Maybe tonight he’ll sit on the roof.  Perhaps it’ll rain.  If not it’ll be raining somewhere and Charles takes solace in that thought.  Too many guns.

Its a disgusting feeling knowing what you know.  The next time I do it I’ll surely think of you and then I might have it all figured out.  Have a nice day fucker.  I honestly don’t know why I do some of the things I do.  I know I don’t want to do something and I know that I’ll regret it and yet I still do it and feel bad later.  I hate that so hard.

I’ll wear a new outfit tomorrow for that shoot, maybe it will be good, maybe it’ll snow like in those magazine shots.  You never can tell with nights like these.  I hate that perspective.  I want to rip those pearly whites right out of that smile.  I want to lick that little tounge of yours and feel that sexual charge.   Right now.

That pop song was too loud.  It could have been quieter but not too quiet now.  You don’t have to question everything.  Take it like it is, take it like a man.  I ain’t here to watch you talk, I’m not here to see them flock, I’m not here to get it girl, I’m not here to find dirty slugs.

Today I’m going to make sense, today I’m going to be just me. I’m only writing when I need to and thats not good, I want to be creative all the time. I want to be able to write when there are 20 people talking.

The other day I was sitting in the back seat of my parents car and I was listening to my tunes, I look up and theres this lady with black and super curly hair hunched over looking straight ahead. And then I looked down and had this memory of somebody telling me about the time a mouse crawled up their arm and down their shirt. It was weird because I saw it happening when really I’d only heard it happening and it played in an old movie way.

“I would like more.”

“Than ask.”

“I’m scared too.”

“Oh. “

Its not like I asked for this confusion, its not like I wanted it, maybe not. I can’t remember what I’d wished for but it was something and something usually spells confusion. Somebody ate the whole pizza and somebody feels sick. Somebody orders dessert, and somebody is regretting something. I called you Bob and you Jim. I’ll put that on my wish list and maybe that. I want that hope chest now.